I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
