you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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