I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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