My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
