Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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