Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
