Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
