Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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