he shaved USA in his pubs
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
