apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish there were birth control emojis
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
