I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
