just come out here and I will go home with you...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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