I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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