I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
