I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
