The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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