everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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