Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
