Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
