I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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