It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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