And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
