I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
