Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
