The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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