end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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