You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize