i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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