A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
