Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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