Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just cropdusted the office
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
