Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
