If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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