i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
