I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize