there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
