dude i'm inner monologue high
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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