He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
