I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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