I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
