M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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