Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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