i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
