I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize