Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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