My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
