he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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