I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
