I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
