I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
