My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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