In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
