ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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