Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
