I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
