You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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