If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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