I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
