When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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