I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
