Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
