does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
