The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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