Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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